


The Great Wakandan Prank War

by mikkimouse



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Crack, Humor, M/M, Prank Wars, Rhodey is the true MVP, slight warning for spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 09:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6949702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikkimouse/pseuds/mikkimouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sam and Bucky make it their mission to make the other's life hell, Natasha starts a betting pool about who the victor will be, and Steve just wants everyone to get along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Wakandan Prank War

**Author's Note:**

> Written because the amount of shit Sam and Bucky gave each other in the movie gives me life, and also I just really wanted something fun and silly and ridiculous after the angst-fest that was Captain America: Civil War. 
> 
> Thank you from the bottom of my heart to [Eris](http://domesticated-chaos.tumblr.com/) for her beta help and for encouraging me to write this every step of the way.
> 
> For a complete list of pranks, see the end notes.

It starts because someone has to wake Barnes up in the mornings. 

Well, that's probably not true. It starts because Sam gets stuck being his PT buddy. 

Barnes is better physically, insofar as he has a metal arm again. And thanks to Dr. Helen Cho, Tony's BARF (Sam laughed for five minutes when he heard _that_ name), and the freakily intelligent Wakandan research scientists, his programming was removed. 

Now that he’s permanently out of the ice, T’Challa and Steve had somberly “suggested” that Sam and Barnes train together in an effort to get Barnes used to moving again and maybe work out some of their aggression.

Anyway. That means Sam is the one responsible for dragging Barnes' sleepy ass out of bed at 6 a.m. so they can go running before the Wakandan jungle reaches sweltering.

Barnes does not like getting up before dawn. The first time Sam tried it, he got a metal hand around his throat and was thrown into a wall. He had bruises on his neck for a _week_ from that asshole.

So the next time, Sam decides to keep his distance. Fortunately, he has something that will allow him to get Barnes out of bed while simultaneously staying way the hell out of throat-grabbing range.

He loads Redwing up with some Nerf darts and maneuvers it into Barnes' bedroom, using the viewscreen on his remote controls to guide Redwing to the right place.

Then, he starts firing right at Barnes' face and exposed non-metal arm.

Three seconds later, Barnes jerks out of sleep flailing, and it's another two seconds before Sam hears, "Wilson, you _asshole!_ " 

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead!" Sam shouts. "Time to get our cardio in! Got fifty bucks that says I'm gonna beat your ass this morning." 

Barnes jumps out of bed and lunges toward Redwing. Sam deftly guides his robot out of the bedroom before Barnes can do anything to it, and jogs back to his own room, cackling all the way.

***

The next morning, Sam goes to get Redwing out of his case and stops, because Redwing isn't there. 

Barnes, probably. Damn it, Sam should've expected retaliation after the Nerf darts.

He activates Redwing's tracking signal, and starts walking through the palace, following the beep. He half-expects it to lead him to Barnes' room, or the training room, or somewhere outside and halfway across the palace grounds. 

He doesn't expect to end up in the damn kitchen, of all places, standing in front of the massive fridge. Sam yanks the door open. 

There's Redwing, perfectly preserved in a gigantic mound of red Jell-O. 

"What," Sam says.

He hears a snort behind him, and turns to see Barnes leaning against the kitchen door with a smirk on his face. The smug fucker.

"This," Sam jabs his finger at the Jell-O, "means war."

***

Sam's idea for revenge involves asking around the Dora Milaje until he finds someone with clear nail polish. Then he has to steal the soap from Barnes' shower, and it takes a good hour to paint the damn thing and wait for it to dry. 

It's all worth it when Barnes stomps into Sam's room with only a towel wrapped around his waist, dripping wet and looking ready for murder. He slings the nail polish-coated bar of soap across the room, and Sam ducks just in time. The bar embeds itself in the wall right where his head had been. 

Sam clucks his tongue. "Careful, there. Could've taken someone's head off with that thing." 

"Fuck you, Wilson," Barnes growls.

Sam links his fingers behind his head and smirks. "In your dreams, Barnes."

***

Sam's expecting some kind of The Office-style prank bullshit again. Barnes has been frozen for the better part of the past 70 years, so it's not like he's going to have the best prank ideas. 

Sam has two boxes of stuff that Scott's collected, and somehow Sam's gotten roped into helping to organize it. The boxes aren't terribly heavy, but they are awkward, so Sam's basically using his hips to open to open the door. 

It hits the wall and "La Cucaracha" starts playing at an earsplitting volume. 

Sam screams and flings the boxes. Comic books and stuffed animals fly everywhere. 

It doesn't take him long to find the horn taped to the wall behind his door. He rips it off and flings it across the room, and the song peters out with a squeal and a whine. 

Out in the hall, he hears someone _howling_ with laughter. 

Sam stalks into the hallway. Sure enough, Barnes leans against the opposite wall, arms wrapped around his stomach and laughing so hard it's a wonder he can still breathe. 

Sam jabs a finger at him. "Your ass is _mine_." 

Barnes flips him off. "In your dreams, Wilson."

***

It takes Sam a few days to figure out his next move. On the plus side, it means that Barnes will be sweating, wondering what Sam's got up his sleeve. Of course, Sam has nothing up his sleeve, but it's not like Barnes needs to know that. 

After two days, he enlists help in the form of Rhodey. 

**To: LC Rhodey**  
Hey man, you got any good prank stories or ideas? 

**From: LC Rhodey**  
Do I even want to know why you want to know? 

**To: LC Rhodey**  
Barnes is a fucker and I am going to OWN HIM. Gimme some ideas.

**From: LC Rhodey**  
Are you pranking one of the most feared assassins of the century? 

**To: LC Rhodey**  
It's war, man.  
You still there? 

**From: LC Rhodey**  
Yeah I'm here. Just texting T'Challa to get your next of kin information.

**To: LC Rhodey**  
Barnes is harmless. They dug that shit out of his head. Hey, you think I can freeze cotton balls to his arm?

**From: LC Rhodey**  
I want no part of this.

**To: LC Rhodey**  
You're gonna regret it, man. I'm gonna own his ass. 

**From: LC Rhodey**  
Yeah. I'm sure that's what you're gonna do.

***

It requires a lot of research and some late-night brainstorming sessions with T'Challa--who knew _he’d_ be so helpful?--but Sam eventually decides against trying to freeze the cotton balls to Barnes' arm and use superglue instead. T'Challa assures him there's a solvent that will take the glue right off the metal without damaging it, so Sam moves forward with the idea. He just wants to inconvenience Barnes, and maybe piss him off a little, not actually ruin a several-thousand-dollar prosthesis (even though he's pretty sure T'Challa had about five extras made). 

Barnes is sacked out on the couch in the small TV lounge, snoring away, when Sam sits beside him and commences his work. He's half-expecting Barnes to wake up any minute now and throw him through a wall, but apparently Wakandan soap operas are the best cure for Barnes' insomnia because he ain't moving. Sam kind of wants to try poking him to see how long it takes him to wake up, but that will ruin the fun. 

Sam gets through most of a bag of cotton balls before Barnes starts to stir, and he grabs the cotton balls and superglue and hightails it out of there. The last few cotton balls may not be set, but the rest are definitely not coming off for awhile. 

"Beat that," Sam mutters.

***

He wakes up the next morning with something on his face. It's soft and slightly ticklish and Sam bats it away without thinking. It's not until five minutes later, when he finally struggles into wakefulness, that he sees what it was. 

Spiders. All over his bed, his floor, his dresser.

His room is filled with _spiders_. 

Sam screams and kicks, sending a handful of spiders flying off his bed and onto the floor. It's then that he realizes they aren't moving. 

For one heart-stopping second he's convinced Barnes filled his room with dead spiders, and then he gets a closer look at the ones on his bed. Some are plastic, some are stuffed, but they're all toys. Sam isn't sure whether he should be relieved or whether he should just straight-up strangle Barnes the next time he sees him. 

His door swings open, and there's Barnes with a shit-eating grin on his face. "Looks like you need to call an exterminator, Wilson. Have you been eating in bed?" 

Yeah. Sam's going to kill him.

He grabs an armful of the spiders and runs at Barnes, who bolts.

***

T'Challa watches Wilson and Barnes run across the courtyard, shouting curses and imprecations at each other. Barnes appears to have cotton balls stuck to his his metal arm. Wilson is throwing small stuffed spiders after Barnes and inviting him to do some very graphic acts that T'Challa is fairly sure are not physically possible. 

He was always trained never to laugh loudly. A king may show amusement, of course, but he must always remain composed. 

Wilson and Barnes are sorely testing said training. T’Challa’s side aches in his effort to maintain his composure. 

He presses his lips together and clears his throat. He does not laugh, but it is a near thing.

Captain Rogers stands stiffly beside him, worry lines creasing his brow. "They're going to destroy your courtyard, Your Highness."

T'Challa shrugs. "I have a tremendously capable staff paid very well to ensure just such a thing doesn't happen." 

Captain Rogers raises his eyebrows. 

T'Challa ignores the obvious skepticism and summons his Dora Milaje closer. "Do you have the security footage from this morning?" 

"Yes, Your Majesty," she says.

"Please upload it to the account and send the link to Ms. Romanoff and Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes as soon as you get a chance." 

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Captain Rogers frowns. "You're encouraging them, Your Highness." 

"Indeed I am, Captain Rogers." 

"Why?" 

"As king of Wakanda, I have a generous number of resources at my disposal and want for very little, aside from the continued safety and prosperity of my people. However," T'Challa grins, "I have never been able to resist a wager." 

Captain Rogers groans.

***

Sam is brushing his teeth when his bathroom door slams open and Barnes stalks in. He has all of two seconds to throw his toothbrush down before Barnes grabs him by the collar and shoves him up against the bathroom wall. 

"What," Barnes says, "did you do to my toilet?" 

"Dude, you've never heard of the old plastic wrap trick?" Sam snorted. "Not even close to my best work." 

Barnes still looks confused. It clicks with Sam then, and he about falls over laughing. Or rather, he would if Barnes didn't still have him pressed up against the wall. "Shit, man, that wasn't even invented back in your day, was it? You and Cap are probably the only two people left who are gonna find that one new and exciting."

Barnes glares like he's contemplating popping Sam's head right off his neck. "There was splatter." 

Sam laughs. "Kind of the point."

"There was also no toilet paper."

Sam grins and claps Barnes' arm. "Two pranks for the price of one. Beat _that_." 

Barnes' eyes narrow and he pushes Sam harder into the wall. Of course, it's not like Sam can go anywhere, so the movement just serves to bring them chest to chest, close enough that Sam can count the number of Barnes' eyelashes. 

Huh. So that's a thing, then.

"I'm going to beat _you_ ," Barnes snarls. 

Sam raises an eyebrow. "Why, Barnes, I had no idea you swung that way."

He doesn't necessarily mean for it to come out flirtatious, and yet it does. Barnes' eyes widen, and he seems to be struck speechless. 

"You're an asshole," Barnes finally says. 

"Is this you admitting defeat?" Sam asks gleefully. "Is this you admitting that I beat your ass in a prank war?" 

Barnes narrows his eyes and his grip tightens. "Fuck you, Wilson." 

Sam leans in and grins. "I'd like to see you try, Barnes."

***

_(In the Avengers group chat titled The Great Wakandan Prank War)_

**From Natasha:**  
Rhodey wins the pot! $3200

**From Tony:**  
DAMMIT

**From James R.:**  
YESSSS

**From Steve:**  
Wait what? What pot? 

**From Tony:**  
The fuck did he even bet on anyway?!?

**From Steve:**  
What bet?

**From James R.:**  
Angry sex in a small area (bathroom or closet) 

**From Natasha:**  
He bet on angry fucking. Steve don't go near Sam's bathroom for the next half hour

**From Steve:**  
ohgod

**From T'Challa:**  
Damn, I thought for certain it would be while they were training. I salute you, Lt. Col. Rhodes.

**From James R.:**  
Thank you, Your Highness.  
Tony, if you need to borrow a few bucks, you know I've got you. I've just recently come into some cash.

**From Tony:**  
Oh hardy har har.

**From Scott:**  
Damn it, and I had all these other prank ideas! There are some great ones here!

**From Clint:**  
I think you'll still be able to use them. Pretty sure they’re using it for foreplay. 

**From Steve:**  
Well, at least they're getting along. 

**From Tony:**  
That's it, buddy. Look on the bright side.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Sam wakes Bucky up with Redwing by shooting him with Nerf darts  
> \- Bucky puts Redwing into Jello  
> \- Sam paints Bucky's soap with nail polish  
> \- Bucky tapes a horn to the wall in Sam's room where the door will hit  
> \- Sam glues cotton balls to Bucky's arm  
> \- Bucky fills Sam's room with fake spiders  
> \- Sam saran-wraps Bucky's toilet and takes his toilet paper


End file.
